Intention

Yesterday I heard another story from someone who told me that her doctor told her that the trauma she endured when she was a child had changed her brain so significantly that she would never change, she would always suffer from intense mood swings, be self destructive, and be "Borderline."
My reaction was emotionally intense, contained urges of destruction, and no doubt the doctor would consider my thoughts to be "Borderline." I was thoroughly pissed off that these interactions are still occurring in the medical system. People are told they are hopeless and treatment will not help. What hurt my heart is that this girl believed it.

You see, I can have a fighting reaction, experience rage and urges to wail and rail against ignorance, stigma and injustice, but I now have a DBT trained mind that whispers, "is this effective?" I can acknowledge my feelings and thoughts without judgment, and then choose the response which will be helpful to me and perhaps to others.
And so I choose to fight with words.

I had planned on starting this blog to promote my book, and I had been mulling over why I want my book to sell. Of course it would be nice to have more money, but when I was asked by Dundurn press to really consider the consequences of publishing my dark story, I had to explore my motivations to write "Borderline Shine." And as the publication date looms only eight weeks away, I notice intermittent feelings of anxiety and thoughts of self doubt. Being clear about my primary motivation for the book and the blog helps me to reduce fear and increase commitment. I am writing to fight stigma, and I am writing to connect with people struggling and suffering with mental health pain. I am writing to fight fiercely for this girl I met yesterday, and others I know and don't know who are drowning in darkness and hopelessness. I am writing to shine a light of hope.
I think that the most effective way to achieve this goal is to "shine real." To allow my voice without filtering my truth because of my fear of judgment or desire for validation. Expect mistakes, inconsistencies, strange twists of reality, and if you can't handle profanity, don't bother visiting this page again.
I will present information I have learned from formal training as a mental health clinician, knowledge from reading and listening to influential leaders and experts, truth from friends and acquaintances, and my own experience and beliefs. I'll tell stories that I think are funny or inspiring and maybe helpful. I'll share opinions and new learnings from the work that I do. There will be dark and light, lovely dialectics and crazy (but true) stories. There will be passion and compassion. This blog won't be prescriptive, and tell people step by step what to do to feel better. There is no single truth or way to find what you are seeking. Even if you don't know (yet) what you're seeking, don't know who you are - what you are - or can't even imagine something different, the fact that you are still alive shows that you haven't given up. Your life is the small ember of hope that perhaps my words can fuel into a blaze, so that you can shine as you were born to.
Be fierce. And be effective. Remember, Dear Readers, that today you can choose to shine.

About the Author

My name is Connie Greshner, and I am a Mental Health Therapist with a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology. I have written a memoir about the complex trauma that occurred to me when I was a child, producing symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, and how I recovered to become a counsellor for people with severe and persistent mental illness.

This book is a raw and real account of my life, beginning when I was eight years old and my father murdered my mother. My family was from a small town in Alberta, but after the murder, I was sent to live with an aunt, who enrolled me in a traditional Roman Catholic boarding school in Kansas. My identity was formed in this strange world, shame manifesting as rebellion, until I returned to Canada and my brother’s care.

Depression, addiction, and promiscuity spiraled, as I tried to cope and find help. My forays into the mental health system were not helpful, and after several suicide attempts, I decided to pursue a career in psychology so that I could help others. I continued to battle depression, anxiety, and substance use as I earned a Bachelor of Science degree, and then a Master’s degree.

Throughout my life, I had strange jobs, heartbreaking loss, and was inspired and saved by exceptional friends, my love of books, and connection to nature. Eventually, I was married, had two children, and achieved peace in the beauty of the West Coast of British Columbia.

I now work as a therapist, and my experiences support my ability to relate to clients, teach them ways to manage emotions, and sometimes witness their healing. The book contains a small amount of reflection of the intuitive means by which I picked up and used skills, like mindfulness, gratitude, and acceptance, which are recommended by dialectical behavior therapy.