Use Your Illusion/Adios 2020

I woke up this morning thinking about 1) burning my journals, and 2) what to do about my book and blog. 

I love the idea of burning my journals, I've been thinking about doing it for a while. The end of "Life: Part 1." But the thought of driving somewhere, building the fire, hauling the books, and safely burning them seems like a lot of work. Then I thought, the hell with it, let’s just throw them in the dump. An ignominious end to "Life: Part 1." Because really, a ritual burning seems kind of self-important, as if my ramblings had some significance. It also seemed a bit ridiculous, feeding into childish magicalness. Although, I like my childish magicalness... Lord of the Rings and Star Wars fantasy fun. So I'm deciding to end this year and the first half of my life with a ritual throwing my journals into the dump. And that brings me to "Life: Part 2."

I really did want to help other people who struggled with trauma, depression, and borderline personality disorder. That's what compelled me to write Borderline Shine. I have heard from some people who did find the book helpful, and I'm very grateful that my words resonated and maybe provided a bit of insight and hope. I considered writing another book, "Over the Borderline," i.e., "Life, Part 2." I would put together the simple, basic themes I have learned that have been known and written about for over a thousand years: life is absurd; it's all about radical acceptance; gratitude and self-responsibility are effective practices; and as often as you can, notice the beauty of the world and love, love, love.

I believe now that the "truths" we live by are predominantly an illusion. We spend our lives constructing a reality and living within it as though we have some control. We fight for values and achievements such as home and family, or fortune and fame. We struggle to hold onto an illusion of safety. But it's all transitory, it's all frail. It can end with a microscopic virus or the fury of a hurricane. We can end. We will end. Then there's a brief memory in the survivors, until they die, and poof! We are all dust in the wind. Maybe there's something after, maybe there's not. I sure don't know, and I don't think anyone else does either.

All these big questions have already been posed, chewed over, and answered by philosophy and religion. I've got nothing to contribute except my own personal belief system which I stated above, and which could change at any moment (ha!). Maybe my words could help other people to reduce their suffering. That being said, do I want to spend my energy on another book? Do I want to spend my energy kicking myself in the ass because I "should" be contributing more to my blog? To write something that less than a hundred people read. Come on, cut the self-importance. My writing is not changing anyone's life. That's okay. I'm practicing radical acceptance, gratitude, and putting my love and energy into the close circle I have of family, friends and clients. That's where I might have influence. That's where I might change my world.

So, adios 2020, adios book, blog and writing. Adios, readers! If anyone wants to contact me, they can through this website, I'm sure Jen will keep an eye on it and pass it on. Otherwise, just imagine me, chillin' by the lake, surrounded by those I love: my brothers, my mom and dad, my animals, my family and friends. Those alive and those dead, because time bends, and this is how I use my illusion.

Book Reviews

"Connie Greshner’s book, Borderline Shine, is an inspirational roller coaster ride detailing a bright and resourceful woman’s path to recovery and liberation. Greshner writes in succinct, clear prose, describing a childhood marked by trauma, upheaval and years of struggling with impulsivity and emotional storms that people suffering from borderline personality disorder will surely relate to. Like many people with these challenges, Greshner’s incredible strengths kept trying to shine through, only to be obscured time and again. Her tenacity, compassion, and drive to help others gradually won out, and she was able to devote her career to helping others with mental health problems and establish a life worth living. I highly recommend Borderline Shine as an inspirational, honest, and intimate story of resilience and recovery." 

Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., Professor and Coordinator, Clinical Science Department of Psychology Simon Fraser University; President DBT Centre of Vancouver Inc.

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"The book is a valuable insight into mental illness, and a reminder of human fragility. That Connie Greshner remains vulnerable is clear in her blog, where recent entries document events and feelings as the Pandemic closes in. What matters is that now she recognizes the symptoms and knows how to deal with them. I wish her well, and I thank her for giving me the opportunity to listen to her story."

Phyllis Reeve, The Ormsby Review

Full Review Here: https://ormsbyreview.com/2020/10/28/954-reeve-greshner-memoir/

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"Greshner focuses on her slow recovery from complex childhood trauma, and how she uses her experiences to now help and relate to clients at her job as a therapist. She breaks the secrecy around trauma and advocates for a non-judgmental response for people struggling with mental health. In saying that, the audiences that may benefit from this book are mental health professionals such as psychiatrists, therapists, and psychologists, as well as sociologists, doctors and those struggling with their own mental health and trauma. This book is also for those who do not struggle with mental health, for a reader who cannot relate to this story in any way the hope is that they develop compassion and learn that mental health is not to be stigmatized. “Borderline Shine” is a pleasure to read, emotional, engaging, and informative. I would recommend it to anyone interested in the field of mental health."

Canadian Journal of Family and Youth - Paige Murdoch

Full PDF Review Here: https://journals.library.ualberta.ca/cjfy/index.php/cjfy/article/view/29611

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"I would recommend this book to anyone interested in real stories about personal development, finding meaning in life, and working through trauma to realize one's potential. "Borderline Shine" is an interesting read for students of psychology and sociology, as it opens a window into how challenging life can be and the importance of a supportive network in combating mental disorders and recovering from severe trauma."

Canadian Journal of Family and Youth - Kamille Sandberg

Full PDF Review Here: https://journals.library.ualberta.ca/cjfy/index.php/cjfy/article/view/29614

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Journey to Wellness

In my last blog, I used the term, "journey to wellness." Even as I wrote it, the phrase felt wrong. Imprecise. Incongruent with what I wanted to say. In need of clarification. So here it is:

At the end of Borderline Shine, I summarized some of the learning that I had gained at that time. Taking responsibility for choices, compassion, acceptance, non judgment. These values and choices have enabled me to achieve a degree of happiness and contentment in my life. Moments of joy. What I sometimes refer to as "pearls."

Yet is that "wellness?"

'Shine ended five years ago in 2015, and I wrote the book in the summer of 2018. In the last five years, would I describe myself as "well?"

I have continued to struggle. I even wrote a sequel to the book, which I entitled Over the Borderline: A story of relapse and recovery. It chronicled the personal and situational challenges I faced in the three years after 'Shine ended. And even since I completed that draft, life continues to be tumultuous inside and out. Some may say that is "normal," but besides the fact that I hate the word "normal," I often wonder, "What the hell? Surely other people don't have such bizarre, ridiculous and random events happen!"

I reflect that my own episodes of anxiety swell and ebb, much as I think many other people's do. And when I find myself lost in the distortions of fear, grief and anger, the ludicrousness of using the term "journey to wellness" makes me sneer in self depreciation.

And yet, and yet...I also believe that "wellness" can be a relativistic term. Sometimes I think that wellness can be an ever changing point on a continuum between fear and love (I use fear and love as general words to differentiate between darkness and light...and that will be a whole other blog). If I'm more often near love, maybe I'm well. If I'm even able to shift myself closer to love in the midst of fear, maybe I'm well.

Or maybe wellness can be conceptualized as a dialectic - I am love AND fear, but the greater of these is love.

My intention in writing this blog is to remind my readers that there is no endpoint in the "journey to wellness" as it can be redefined by perception, definition, and relativity. That's why one theme of Borderline Shine is to be cautious with judgments. Even with the most loving of intentions, we cannot fully understand another person.

I posted a picture of a quote by Anais Nin that said, "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." This was in response to the misinterpretation of the content and intent of Borderline Shine by a few readers, misinterpretations which were absolutely unexpected and astonishing to me. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, as human history is redolent with examples of misinterpretations, and on a lesser level they occur between people every day. Thousands of years of human history, and we are still struggling to understand the world and each other. It is a bit of a relief when I give up the struggle and tell myself, "honestly, half the time I don't have a clue what is going on." Mindfulness practice teaches noticing what we observe with the five senses without judgment, with an open, curious mind. But what if we had different senses? We would totally experience a different world. It is all relative.

So whoever you are, wherever you are, and however you define "wellness," I send you love and reiterate the last lines of the poem I wrote and ended my memoir with: "Never give up/Borderline, Shine."

EVENT: Powell River Author Reading

 CANCELLED DUE COVID

Please join us for an author reading of

 'Borderline Shine: A Memoir' by Connie Greshner

WHEN: Saturday, March 28, 2020 12:00-2:00 p.m.

WHERE: Coles Bookstore, Town Centre Mall, 7100 Alberni Street, Powell River, BC

Sponsored by Coles Bookstore and the Powell River Peak

FREE ADMISSION & OPEN TO THE PUBLIC

EVENT: Book Launch

 Please join us for the official book launch of

'Borderline Shine: A Memoir'

by Connie Greshner

WHEN: Saturday, February 15, 2020 1:00-3:00 p.m.

WHERE: The Crooked Spoon Cafe, 970 Shoppers Row, Campbell River BC

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FREE ADMISSION & OPEN TO THE PUBLIC

About the Author

My name is Connie Greshner, and I am a Mental Health Therapist with a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology. I have written a memoir about the complex trauma that occurred to me when I was a child, producing symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, and how I recovered to become a counsellor for people with severe and persistent mental illness.

This book is a raw and real account of my life, beginning when I was eight years old and my father murdered my mother. My family was from a small town in Alberta, but after the murder, I was sent to live with an aunt, who enrolled me in a traditional Roman Catholic boarding school in Kansas. My identity was formed in this strange world, shame manifesting as rebellion, until I returned to Canada and my brother’s care.

Depression, addiction, and promiscuity spiraled, as I tried to cope and find help. My forays into the mental health system were not helpful, and after several suicide attempts, I decided to pursue a career in psychology so that I could help others. I continued to battle depression, anxiety, and substance use as I earned a Bachelor of Science degree, and then a Master’s degree.

Throughout my life, I had strange jobs, heartbreaking loss, and was inspired and saved by exceptional friends, my love of books, and connection to nature. Eventually, I was married, had two children, and achieved peace in the beauty of the West Coast of British Columbia.

I now work as a therapist, and my experiences support my ability to relate to clients, teach them ways to manage emotions, and sometimes witness their healing. The book contains a small amount of reflection of the intuitive means by which I picked up and used skills, like mindfulness, gratitude, and acceptance, which are recommended by dialectical behavior therapy.