Use Your Illusion/Adios 2020

I woke up this morning thinking about 1) burning my journals, and 2) what to do about my book and blog. 

I love the idea of burning my journals, I've been thinking about doing it for a while. The end of "Life: Part 1." But the thought of driving somewhere, building the fire, hauling the books, and safely burning them seems like a lot of work. Then I thought, the hell with it, let’s just throw them in the dump. An ignominious end to "Life: Part 1." Because really, a ritual burning seems kind of self-important, as if my ramblings had some significance. It also seemed a bit ridiculous, feeding into childish magicalness. Although, I like my childish magicalness... Lord of the Rings and Star Wars fantasy fun. So I'm deciding to end this year and the first half of my life with a ritual throwing my journals into the dump. And that brings me to "Life: Part 2."

I really did want to help other people who struggled with trauma, depression, and borderline personality disorder. That's what compelled me to write Borderline Shine. I have heard from some people who did find the book helpful, and I'm very grateful that my words resonated and maybe provided a bit of insight and hope. I considered writing another book, "Over the Borderline," i.e., "Life, Part 2." I would put together the simple, basic themes I have learned that have been known and written about for over a thousand years: life is absurd; it's all about radical acceptance; gratitude and self-responsibility are effective practices; and as often as you can, notice the beauty of the world and love, love, love.

I believe now that the "truths" we live by are predominantly an illusion. We spend our lives constructing a reality and living within it as though we have some control. We fight for values and achievements such as home and family, or fortune and fame. We struggle to hold onto an illusion of safety. But it's all transitory, it's all frail. It can end with a microscopic virus or the fury of a hurricane. We can end. We will end. Then there's a brief memory in the survivors, until they die, and poof! We are all dust in the wind. Maybe there's something after, maybe there's not. I sure don't know, and I don't think anyone else does either.

All these big questions have already been posed, chewed over, and answered by philosophy and religion. I've got nothing to contribute except my own personal belief system which I stated above, and which could change at any moment (ha!). Maybe my words could help other people to reduce their suffering. That being said, do I want to spend my energy on another book? Do I want to spend my energy kicking myself in the ass because I "should" be contributing more to my blog? To write something that less than a hundred people read. Come on, cut the self-importance. My writing is not changing anyone's life. That's okay. I'm practicing radical acceptance, gratitude, and putting my love and energy into the close circle I have of family, friends and clients. That's where I might have influence. That's where I might change my world.

So, adios 2020, adios book, blog and writing. Adios, readers! If anyone wants to contact me, they can through this website, I'm sure Jen will keep an eye on it and pass it on. Otherwise, just imagine me, chillin' by the lake, surrounded by those I love: my brothers, my mom and dad, my animals, my family and friends. Those alive and those dead, because time bends, and this is how I use my illusion.

About the Author

My name is Connie Greshner, and I am a Mental Health Therapist with a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology. I have written a memoir about the complex trauma that occurred to me when I was a child, producing symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, and how I recovered to become a counsellor for people with severe and persistent mental illness.

This book is a raw and real account of my life, beginning when I was eight years old and my father murdered my mother. My family was from a small town in Alberta, but after the murder, I was sent to live with an aunt, who enrolled me in a traditional Roman Catholic boarding school in Kansas. My identity was formed in this strange world, shame manifesting as rebellion, until I returned to Canada and my brother’s care.

Depression, addiction, and promiscuity spiraled, as I tried to cope and find help. My forays into the mental health system were not helpful, and after several suicide attempts, I decided to pursue a career in psychology so that I could help others. I continued to battle depression, anxiety, and substance use as I earned a Bachelor of Science degree, and then a Master’s degree.

Throughout my life, I had strange jobs, heartbreaking loss, and was inspired and saved by exceptional friends, my love of books, and connection to nature. Eventually, I was married, had two children, and achieved peace in the beauty of the West Coast of British Columbia.

I now work as a therapist, and my experiences support my ability to relate to clients, teach them ways to manage emotions, and sometimes witness their healing. The book contains a small amount of reflection of the intuitive means by which I picked up and used skills, like mindfulness, gratitude, and acceptance, which are recommended by dialectical behavior therapy.